Lost and Found by Mattie Hill

Author:Mattie Hill
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Nextone Inc
Published: 2023-11-15T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 17

Somehow, as the weeks progressed, everyone managed to return to their normal routines of life on the farm. David went through his everyday chores on the property: bush hogging, edging, mowing the riding ring, and mending fences. Secretly, I applauded his fortitude to keep going through the ordinary motions of life, considering our life had been completely turned upside down and inside out.

For me, I would get up and make food for others to eat. I fed the animals, made grocery lists, made appointments for Poppa, and went about the daily chores to keep the house running. I made sure everyone’s life was on par. My life, however, was not on par.

Jeremy’s stroller, car seat, bottles, clothes and toys had been donated to the local women’s pregnancy shelter. David had disassembled the crib and put it back in the attic. My mother’s rocking chair was back upstairs. Every item had been either given away or, if it was a family heirloom, the item was sent back with a note of thanks. The nursery was now an empty shell. Just like me.

I thought of him every day. He was the first thought in the morning and the last one in the evening as I lay down to rest. More times than not, he was there in the wee hours of the morning, when my mind was so unsettled that I couldn’t sleep.

My invisible wounds refused to heal. Subconsciously, I don’t think I wanted them to. I was afraid that if they healed, I would lose Jeremy forever. They were my only reminder of my grandson. Over time, the raw edges mended, but the core of that wound never completely recovered.

We received many phone messages and cards from family and friends, extending their condolences and hopes for peace and understanding. I did appreciate their thoughtfulness, but the words did nothing to ease the constant, aching pain. Many of them stated that it was “God’s will” or that “He has a plan.” I did not buy into that rhetoric anymore. I did not reply to any of the messages, and the cards were thrown in the trash.

I no longer prayed.

Ethan, too, had lost his focus. He informed us he was quitting school and had decided to join the Marine Corps. He would be leaving in five months for boot camp. Another life altered due to choices made by others.

The weeks progressed into months, and I continued to exist. But there was such a deep vacuum in my soul that I saw none of the beauty of the life around me. I don’t know how to explain this darkness. All I knew was that it encompassed me. There was no light in my life, and I was unable to see beyond the blackness. It oozed out of my pores like a black sludge, and I lived that way, continuously, day and night. Heavy with its weight and despair.

Sleep eluded me on a nightly basis. I attempted every known fix: yoga, alcohol, pharmaceuticals, exercise—anything to take me from where I existed now to a place that I could hopefully be peaceful once again.

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